10th_letter (10th_letter) wrote in postqueer,

Musings on sexuality

Hope this is OK to post here. All apologies if it isn't.

So, i've identified as bisexual since I was about 13 (barring some monosexual confusion in college. Hey, we all experimented). But, I've always felt more gay than straight, to be honest.

I work at an adult ed college down here in FL. Even though it is adult ed, it is still in the education field. As a result, I am in the closet at work. It's not that I hide who I am per se, it's just that it never comes up, nor do I bring it up.

That being said, I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the occasional attraction to a student. It makes it slightly less creepy if you know that I'm usually only a year or so younger or older than the students I work with (I'm 25 as I write this). The students I work with range from 17-65. My school attracts them all. All ages, all races and all that mumbo jumbo. I swear, the students I've had feelings for have been in my age bracket.

Keep in mind, going any further with a student is a line I would NEVER cross. For a variety of reasons I don't really think I need to go into here.

Normally, I write the feelings off and go on with my day. But a few days ago, something interesting happened...

One of my duties at work is to tutor incoming students to prepare them for the school's entrance exam. I also work in a lab dedicated to one on one help in any subject in which the student needs assistance. After my first appointment with a tutoring student (tutee?) was over I skipped across the hall to the lab. Out runs a student who I had noticed before, friendly nods, that sort of thing. He's slight, kind of has a awkard-hot kind of vibe going on (Let's call him T) . There's a recurring problem at my school with students' passwords to log on to the computers. So T asks me for help and I give him the explanation. He asks how long it will take to reset the password and I apologize and explain the reason for the wait and give him some tips. He smiles, thanks me and walks off. Throughout the conversation we each take a few seconds longer than explicitly required before speaking again. But the whole time, I felt a charge, more so than just "Oh, he's cute". I reminded myself he was a student and went about my duties.

Later in the day, my next tutoring appointment showed up (A rare occasion at my school). We'll call her S. I tell her the rules of the test, give her the ins and outs, and some test-taking tips. We sit down and go about the prep quiz I'm required to do, but I was stumbling over words left and right and my mouth felt funny and my heart was beating a little off-tempo. I had trouble explaining certain problems to her because I couldn't stop noticing her slight curves, or her shoulder-length red hair and warm smile. It wasn't until after the tutoring session was over (and her shocking admission that she LOVED Algebra) that I noticed. I was attracted to her!

*Cue dramatic music.*

It was the first time in, literally, years that I had been attracted to a woman. Granted I had occasionally noticed the random hot girl walking down the street or spent a little too much time staring at someone's breasts, but that was as far as it went. I was actually attracted to this girl. What got me more was that I wasn't aware of what I was feeling.

So I sent a text message to two of my closer friends along the lines of "Wow, guess I really AM Bisexual!"

But i've realized something. It's not about attraction to men. It's not about attraction to women. It's about the feeling. It's about letting your heart lead you where it's going to lead you and rolling with the result.

For my whole life I've been telling myself I've had to feel one way or the other. I have to like only girls. I have to like only boys. I have to identify as bisexual. Maybe one of these days I'll actually listen to my heart instead of my brain.


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