March 23rd, 2006

Intellectualising Desire....

...does it really do us any good?

I am a thought junkie, when I was a kid I never did any work at school..coz I was always staring out of the window thinking. I used think it was a good thing because I didn't need to read books to learn about the world I just philosophised and theorised about it instead and often got better answers, I made up my own mind. But now I'm starting to think its not much better than reading books. It is still suspending my lived experience, it is stopping me living. I had sex with a girl I really fancied this weekend, oh man she is hot! I fancy her soo much, but she does not think about sex, she just has sex, she loves it and just gets on with it. She doesn't think about gender either, she is just attacted to who shes attracted to and fuks who she wants to fuck. She recognises that these desires and her identity is effected by gender and the systems that surrounds us but she doesn't let it stop her or holt her doing what she wants to do. Now my intellectualization of desire is actually preventing me having a great time in some ways, because she just wants to fuck and I'm like, well do you think of me as a boy when we fuck? if you touch me there are you thinking of me as female? are you dominant or submissive? but then sometimes I think maybe I intellectualize because I desire SO much, like I want action all the time and I want it in loads of different ways, but thats not possible so what do I do when I'm not doing it? I intellectualize it, I write about it, wank about it, talk about it. My libido for life is huge, but the amount of life availiable to me isn't enough to satisfy me. Its so enfuriating because now I've intellectualixed my sex with her now she has holted herself and she doesn't like it so now I've got the feeling shes gonna push me away. What can I do to prevent my thoughts prevent my action?...

...any thoughts?