June 13th, 2004

swimming

got proof* of snuff porn?

"So far as I know, 'snuff' films are still an urban myth."

I'n not exactly an anti-porn feminist, but I've seen a snuff film at a course at the Institute of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. I'm going to check there -I told the guy I'd try to find verifiable sources.

+ that "if one thinks of the recent torture picts of POW & the sheer stupidity of taking photos, then it's not hard to imagine folks being turned on by torture & turned on by depictions of actual torture or/and death"

*correct me if I'm wrong

X -posted
hot chick

(no subject)

So my ex, Nathan and I went to the Opera today, then he came over and talked on the phone to Carter (his new boifriend) for like half an hour while I made dinner. I had him over so we could spend some time together, not so he could talk on the phone the whole time! I told him that and he apologized.

I think in metaphors, so here goes...
I see my relationships as balloons. Each person I've been involved with is a balloon.
I feel like in my past relationships I have tended to hold on tight to the balloon string even when it's so far away that I can't see it anymore. Only when it pops do I realize and finally let the deflated, shriveled pieces go.

With this relationship - me and Nathan - I feel like I let the balloon go. I saw that the balloon was going to drift and that it was statically charged to another balloon (Carter) and so I let it go and attatch to the other balloon. I don't regret letting go, but it was hard. It seemed easy at the time, and I know it was the right decision, but as time goes by and I watch the balloon drift away I am saddened.

I am really happy that they are falling in love and I'm glad I could have a part in it but I'm missing Nathan. It seems I'm constantly the matchmaker and never the one falling in love. Perhaps the time is just not right. I know that when God puts that person in front of me, I'll know she or he is the one. Until then I'd like companionship. Someone to lay down and chat with. Someone I can tell my deepest secrets to.

I hope I find someone in Virginia. I need someone. And someone, somewhere needs me.
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    lonely lonely