and I went up to the reception in San Francisco Sunday for all the newlywed couples. It was a wonderful
afternoon -- I have rarely been in that big a crowd and still felt so comfortable. So many people, so happy -- it was great. I even got to slow dance with wordweaverlynn
, who basically never
dances in public.
After that, i was sitting there with my head on her shoulder, feeling this deep sense of contentment and relaxation, and I found myself thinking "I feel.... almost safe."
It was a startling thought, but I realized it was true. There are so many people for whom I'm too many things: I'm bi(at least)sexual, polyamorous, kinky, Pagan, Episcopalian -- someone, somewhere in almost any gathering I'm in, is going to be uncomfortable with one or more of those things. I seem to have my best luck (outside my marvellous birthfamily and heartfamily!) in my local poly group, which also has a fair number of EpiscoPagans and kinkfolk, in my local kinky circle, where people have just known me for a long time, and in science fiction fandom, where I wind up being just another weird fan.
But outside those known groups, among the people I care most about -- queer, poly, kinky, or religious -- I am always aware that if I'm honest about who I am, that lovely feeling of being among people like me may be dissolved by the need to educate. Again. Or by being unable to get through to someone who thinks that some part of my life is wrong.
I wish, sometimes, that I were comfortable just passing. It would be pretty easy, in most respects; all it would take is watching what I say. But I just can't do that. It feels like suicide. I want to be able to go to something like yesterday's reception with my husband and my wives, and be welcome and accepted. Someday, I hope, we'll be able to marry legally too -- and I know that some people in the crowd yesterday will be happy to be there and celebrate with us. And some won't.