September 10th, 2003

tiger

butch blues.....cross posted

tonight was the glbta meeting. yeah, i think the girl from anthro class is in fact a femmedyke...she was talking to all the butches when the meeting ended anyhow...

....and she's sort of my type, but not really. of course now we have the "i'm a senior" thing, so because i'm a senior, i'm doing my own thang, like looking for jobs, etc. so there are a few baby dykes in my anthro class, but i feel like i'm a little old for them...not terribly so, but i didn't think of myself as an adult at 18; it really didn't start sinking in until i was 20, almost 21. it's not that they're inferior. it's me who's completely used to older women and who's getting into new headspaces.

so, i got this theory that my going to the gym is partially related to the pressures of being butch. i don't mean so much physically as i do mentally. to be honest, i'm having too much fun just enjoying the gym to really think about this stuff most of the time anyway, but here's what i think:

it seems that most, most but of course not all, femmes prefer butches over butch bois. and yes, there *is* a distinction. i see more dandy dapper butch tops being the partners of femmes than i do with cute butch bois. i'm not saying this is the standard- but i am seeing the former moreso than the latter. and over the past three years, i've found that while i'm faggy, i'm attracted to a very specific breed of femmes. disclaimer, that i don't mean other types of femmes to be inferior or any less femme. but i tend to really go for the biofemale full-figured divalicious versions of drag queens who mostly are nerdy, geeky, extremely brilliant & worldly, fierce, die-hard feminist femmedyke types. many of them are switches, and many of them also have long dark hair.....correlations, hmmm. and many are culturally jewish and pagan/wiccan. interesting, to say the least. interesting. so, i was looking at my copy of dagger, and there are tons of photos in them, and i come across one with a dapper butch standing in the middle of two femmes, one with a hand on the butch's chest. and my eyes drop, and i'm like, *that's* the type of femme i like, i want to be that clark-kent butch top type who can be a boi to someone else as well one day. and so i don't find anything wrong with being a boi per se, but....i feel too old to be/run with the babydykes, and too young to be with/run with the 26-34 crowd in a way, because by definitions of life experience and age....i'm clearly not there yet.....and there's already enough drama with the 20-25 crowds who i seem to run with at the moment for the most part.

so i'm seeing that all these femmes seem to prefer the grown butch type most often, and sometimes i feel a pressure to move out of boi headspace- i'm not talking about age-play or the "little" boi headspace. i'm just talking about the cute boi attitude thang. and going to the gym most often makes me feel like this big bad butch, which is a turn on, and i can say that i will be a top at some point...but i'm not a top in vanilla unless i have the added bdsm, d/s or s/m component to it.

i remember when i really used to enjoy being a boi a few years ago, but no one ever said being a boi in leather is easy and of course it isn't. don't get me wrong; there are certain people with whom i feel extremely comfortable being a boi with/around. i wonder if other leatherdyke bois feel this way at times; i'm looking forward to meeting some in seattle at the conference.

and the older butches look by comparison bigger and stronger. notice i didn't say any more butch, but it seems they get bigger physically the more they feel bigger mentally. and yeah, i am humble about my position and role towards dyke daddies, etc., i don't want to grow out of my role too fast, but i'm certainly feeling a lot of pressure to do so in too fast a time.

there are quite a few butches on campus, but it'd help if we could all acknowledge ourselves as butches rather than trying to be stoic against each other or differentiate ourselves- most of us do happen to be different flavors of butch anyway, but still...it's hard. and i'm trying not to let it plague me.
  • Current Mood
    confused confused