Titsy (loveistheplan) wrote in postqueer,

I feel so lost

Hi. I'm a long time reader, first time poster to postqueer. I really need some friendly advice. I'm a queer female, very friendly and involved with the trans/genderqueer movement, and my girlfriend has identified as transgender with no intention of transitioning, using female pronouns, but feeling her self to be more male. Not completely male, but a self-described "tweener." She's been in that place since we started dating 8 months ago, and we fell in love, and despite struggling through some difficult life moments, have been doing great. We are not usual, and have tried to take things slow and steady, and seem to want to keep going, move in together, try to have a life together. SHe's always felt that she's seen T change those that have transitioned, and has been critical of those who have transitioned only to buy into the heteronormative, white male priviledge system.

Now it seems as though she's changed her mind and she's made the choice to transition. I'm terrified that the T will change her in the same way I've seen it change those around me. I'm terrified of her becoming a different person, and as a woman-identified female, I feel like I am being left behind for the lure of maleness. I also am not really attracted to men, whether self-identified, or transexual or not, and I don't really want her to be my boyfriend. I know these worries must sound petty, but I am genuinely driven by my desire for the best for her, and I don't believe that she has fully thought out what has changed her mind, or all the intricacies of such a decision. She tends to decide things quickly without thinking about them. I'm terrified, and I feel so alone, and I'm scared of losing the person I fell in love with. I'm scared of her changing into someone who I don't love/desire or who doesn't love/desire me. I'm scared of her becoming a man, because I don't have any desire to be with a man.

Does anyone have any advice, or suggestions for reading, or helpful medical information? I would really appreciate your kind and sympathetic response. Thank you.

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